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james_davis_nicoll
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askamanager_feedIt’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past. Here are four updates from past letter-writers.
1. My promotion was canceled because of budget … but I’m still doing the work
Ultimately, my promotion did end up going through! My manager really went to bat for me and pointed out the terrible optics of cancelling promotions that were already announced to people, and was able to get the decision reversed.
I’m really thankful that I have such a great manager who was willing and able to stand up for us, and that the lab leadership listened and made a change. I did talk to my manager about the lead title, but ultimately there isn’t a good standard for who gets the titles and who doesn’t. Instead I decided to refocus my priorities on the work that is actually my responsibility and strategically let go of some of the extra work I was doing.
In the end, the main project I was on had a sudden decrease in funding (this is a natural part of the way these projects work, but this one was at a suboptimal time.) I was moved off the project, but thanks to the extra work I was doing and the role I was playing for outside collaborators, I was specifically requested by project leadership to stay on part-time! (I was given other work so I am still working full time, just not on one project anymore.)
Unfortunately, the funding situation is still hairy. They are discussing potential layoffs in our division unless some additional projects come through (which likely won’t happen before the federal government reopens.) However, it was definitely worth putting in the extra work in the end, both because I was able to secure the promotion and because it has put me in a place where I am well regarded and needed on several projects and therefore less sensitive to funding changes.
So ultimately, the situation is still a little precarious, but it’s working out so far for me! Thank you for your advice, it was helpful to take a step out of the emotional side and look at things pragmatically.
2. Quitting when I work for a (difficult) friend (#2 at the link)
I wrote in to get a script about how to step down from management, but potentially stay on as a Sunday bartender for an owner who previously had a bad reaction from me quitting her cleaning business.
I will say, I have said nothing yet to her, as it is not yet the end of the football season I referenced. I await the time to do so. She has hired another front-of-house manager, who “as a man” she believes more than me … which is infuriating, and will be mentioned as part as my stepping down when I do so. Which won’t be until February at the latest.
3. People complain that I don’t want to be at work social events
I wrote about my boss talking to me about how others perceive me in relation to work social events. Specifically, that people have commented to him that I don’t seem too excited about them. I confess that is true; I don’t really enjoy them, but I still go. The impression I have gotten from my boss is that I should like them, not merely be present for them.
My workplace is a unique one, but I’m disinclined to describe it in detail for anonymity. Suffice it to say, it is not at all toxic. People are lovely. We work well and we generally get along. There is no politicking or rumor mongering. It’s a nonprofit, and we’re all there for our cause.
I have considered my attitude. I spoke to one of my reports who has always been honest with me. He said he thinks one of the issues is my face — I definitely have RBF. So, when I feel neutral, my face says otherwise. I will try to work on “forcing” a smile, so that people don’t think I hate being there.
I’ve also realized that I’ve allowed familiarity to cause me to be less careful in how plainly I speak — when someone asks what I think of something, I don’t tend to sugarcoat anything. I’m not a jerk who just “tells it like it is,” but I may be less diplomatic than I could be. I decided to address this by paying much closer attention, and being less forthright. I’ve set reminders so that I won’t forget that people don’t need to hear my opinions. I think this will help guard my tongue.
In all, I still love my org. I enjoy the people I work with. I still don’t care for the social stuff, but I will try to address the perception.
4. What to say when declining an offer because of the health insurance (#5 at the link)
By the time I sent my question in, I had already emailed them declining the offer without mentioning the health insurance issue. However, reading your response and many of the comments, it seemed like that would have been good feedback for them.
I got a call from the head of the company a few days later asking why I had rejected the offer. I explained the situation and he put me in touch with their HR and benefits coordinator to see if there was any solution to be had. Although I really appreciated the effort and all the help they were willing to provide, we couldn’t really come to a solution. The health insurance provider they use has a reputation among doctors and professionals for being extremely slow with prior authorizations and I have multiple medications that I rely on that require PAs on an annual basis. Because potentially going months without those prescriptions wasn’t an option, and because getting insurance myself would effectively mean a significant pay cut, I ultimately declined the job (I did see the advice in the comments about asking for more money — while I was candid with the folks I spoke to about what the added cost of getting my own plan would mean for me, it didn’t seem like there was enough room in the salary range to cover the gap).
I am endlessly frustrated by the entire health insurance system in this country, especially the fact that the coverage you receive is entirely dependent on what your employer has chosen. I feel like my employment options are limited both by my health insurance needs and my need to work remotely because of chronic conditions. The good news is, I wasn’t applying to this job because I felt like I needed to leave my current role. I am still doing a job I love with great people, and getting my meds and doctor visits covered.
The post updates: the cancelled promotion, the difficult friend, and more appeared first on Ask a Manager.
jesse_the_kSince we met in 1977, MyGuy has always eaten the spongy white stuff which dwells between an orange and its skin (whether he picks it off the whole peeled orange or nibbles it away from the cut-open peel).
Yesterday I tried it. It's delicious! Michigan State University claims it also has as much vitamin C as the fruit.
What else am I missing?
icanhascheezburger_feedTraveling with pets can be a nightmare, and this lady just proved it.
One of the worst things about being a cat owner is traveling. Whether you choose to leave them at home or bring them with you, you're pawsitively stuck with some terrible choices to make. Leaving them at home means a period without them and their company, wondering if they're doing okay, and paying for a cat sitter who may or may not be competent or not. But if you choose to bring them with you, you have to deal with airline fees and extra reservations, rules that change according to each airline, and don't even get us started about making a makeshift litter box for the plane.
And yet, some people feel purrfectly comfortable taking a nonchalant attitude towards it, then get upset when they don't read the fine print, just like our Karen below. She booked her ticket, or her mom did (we're not really sure), but either way, neither of them paid the reservation fee for two cats. She put both cats in one cat carrier and attempted to board the plane with her two cats stuffed into a tiny bag.
Obviously, the TSA agents noticed something was up and stopped her. She proceeded to get angry, screaming and accusing them of ruining Christmas for not letting her get on the flight. Really, sweetheart, you ruined Christmas yourself by trying to get around the rules. Watch the whole video below, and for Ceiling Cat's sake, we hope she never puts two cats in one carrier ever again.
ysabetwordsmith posting in goals_on_dwsnowflake_challenge, please feel free to promote this event within your own circles. You are welcome to use any of these new banners for that. The community page also has icons. 
alpennia_feedIt's hard to tell whether the content in this article is thin because there isn't much to say or because of the overall superficiality of the work. I'm guessing the latter, as other articles and books I've found on India have been richer.
Shah, Shalini. 1991. “Women and Sexuality in the Mahabharata” in Proceedings of the Indian History Congress, Vol. 52: 138-144.
In addition tot he superficial nature of this article, there were numerous editorial problems with it, leading me to question the professionalism of the parent publication.
# # #
This article is very short, more a set of presentation bullet-points than a full article. Only one small section is relevant and that material is given rather odd connections to Classical Greek motifs. Given that the whole article is somewhat cursory, I feel more forgiving of the briefness of the material.
The article notes “There is only a solitary reference to relations between individuals of the same sex. In the Anushasana Parva Panchachuda tells Narada that when women find no males at hand, they satisfy each other’s desires.” This is also a reference to another publication describing “solitary women who would dress up their female friends as males and passionately embrace them.” The author suggests these practices were due to the segregation of women in polyamorous patriarchal households.
spiralsheep posting in endingsaskamanager_feedIt’s “where are you now?” month at Ask a Manager, and all December I’m running updates from people who had their letters here answered in the past.
Remember the letter-writer whose boss (Ned) and she shared an office with a volatile jerk (Peter)? Here’s the update.
After my letter was published, I spoke to Ned and told him I would not be assisting Peter further, which he fully supported. I started referring Peter to his adult children for assistance, which left him huffy but he stopped bothering me. He also began spending more and more time away from the office and out of state, “working” on their joint venture.
As for Peter and Ned, their business relationship has ended and their personal relationship is slowly untangling. It was an explosive conclusion that ended in a company bankruptcy, home foreclosure, and other items that left Ned’s finances in ruin. Unfortunately everything was in his name for various (in my opinion bogus) reasons that left Peter getting off practically scot-free. People in the comments wanted to know if they were romantically involved and that was not the case. They owned a duplex, and when funds for their business venture became tight they decided to share one half and rent out the other.
After the home foreclosure, Peter has left the office and in fact left the state entirely! It has been about eight months since he made that permanent transition. Their project failed (though Peter is convinced he can revive it, Ned has stepped away 100%). Ned now lives on his own in a quiet apartment that he is very happy to have to himself. We are back to focusing on his business, and the office is a different place. We are both happy and relaxed and have a great working relationship. Ned does not talk about his personal life with me much but I have noticed friends and family rally around him now that Peter is gone and he seems so happy and full of life, including taking some time of work. Prior to this, I could count the days he took off on one hand over five years, but now he is taking some much needed time for himself.
As for me, I am taking on more complex and varied tasks and thriving. Don’t worry, Ned is compensating me fairly for the increased work and responsibilities and has expressed a desire to make sure I have contact with others in our field, as he is getting older and wants to make sure I have adequate contacts and transferable skills for the future.
Peter is still moving files and equipment out of the office and will be here for one week in January, but the limited contact and the fact that he is failing has really cowed him and given me the ability to tolerate him in small doses, knowing he is going to be out of my life permanently very soon.
Thank you and all the commenters for your advice. I know a lot of it was to leave, but I am happy I stuck it out.
The post update: my boss and I share an office with a volatile jerk appeared first on Ask a Manager.
kareina
killabeez posting in hlh_shortcutsbrightknightie killabeez james_davis_nicoll - Bundle of Holding: The Burning Wheelconuly - Would my dog or cat really eat me if I died alone?prisca in fic_promptly - Monday to Wednesday, December 29 - 31 - Last Days of the Yearyelp - FIAB reveals! (much belated round-up)snickfic in yuletide - Yuletide recs (part 2)snickfic - Yuletide recs, part IImrs_redboots in yuletide - 8 recs in 7 fandomsmrs_redboots - Yuletide Recs 2025askamanager_feed - updates: the cancelled promotion, the difficult friend, and moreprincessofgeeks - Heated Rivalry E1jesse_the_k - Pithy Realizationicanhascheezburger_feed - 'So you're telling me I can't go home for Christmas?': Karen cat owner gets caught avoiding airlinedine - Music Mondayminoanmiss - Someone has a bad attitudeysabetwordsmith in goals_on_dw - Snowflake Challengealpennia_feed - A Disappointing and Brief Article on the Mahabharataspiralsheep in endings - (no subject)askamanager_feed - update: my boss and I share an office with a volatile jerkkareina - changing house guestskillabeez in hlh_shortcuts - Happy holidays, Brightknightie and killabeez!timeasmymeasure
